Voices In My Head: Editing Everyday Conversations

Voices In My Head
Editing Everyday Conversations

I finally figured out why I haven't been able to get ahead in the corporate world. I need a seven second delay on my everyday conversations. For example, have you ever watched a television show where some character gets hurt or extremely angry and their most descriptive words get beeped out instead of being spoken aloud where they might offend the audience? THAT is what I need.
If I had my own "Beep" to edit out the bad words, then when I had my merit review last month and asked my boss if she was out of her "Beeping" mind, it wouldn't have come across as ugly as it did. Although I'm not sure, I think that also may have had something to do with me getting passed over for a promotion.
Having a "Beep" would be quite beneficial in my home life as well. Imagine all the naughty words my kids would never have been exposed to if I had a "Beep". Like that time last week when the dog "Beeped" all over the living room floor and I stepped in it. I told him to get his "Beepity Beep" down in the basement and don't plan on coming back upstairs until he "Beeping" smartens up. My daughter's eyes were wide with horror. If I had been beeped she may have been thoroughly confused but wouldn't think I'm a monster.
Come to think of it, I could have used that "Beep" last night when my wife asked me if I knew when the next high tide was going to occur. Instead of coming out the way it did which earned me an argument and a cold night in the proverbial doghouse, it would have sounded more like this: "The next high tide? Who gives a "Beep"? Do I look like the "Beeping" weatherman? Nope, didn't "Beeping" think so".
This would probably help me kick that bad habit of saying rude things under my breath too. I wouldn't have to worry about something slipping out during the day because everything would be cleaned up on its way out. Like last week when I was walking down the hall behind a man and woman who were walking excessively slow as I was trying to get to the men's room. They were taking up the entire hallway, like a moving roadblock that the State Police would put on the highway when trying to control the speed. The only problem was if I didn't break the speed limit in this particular case there was going to be an accident. If I had my "Beep" in place then the comment I made would have been safe to say aloud instead of just in my head. It would have come out like this..."If you two "Beeps" don't move you're "Beepity Beeps" I'm gonna "Beep" my pants".
I know having a real beep will never happen but I might carry a compressed air horn with me for the next couple days and see how that works out. At this point it can't be any worse.

Artie Leary can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com