Voices in My Head: Don't Go to Bed Angry

Voices in My Head
Don't Go to Bed Angry

When I was first married and had gotten into an argument with my wife, my dear mom gave me some advice. She said, "Artie, don't ever go to bed mad". It seemed like some logical advice at the time. I took it to mean that I should work out my differences before the day ended and therefore start a new day with a fresh outlook and a happy marriage. Well in typical Irish fashion Mom didn't give me the whole story. Here are a couple of other things that you want to be careful of when getting ready for bed.
Never eat crackers or anything crunchy in bed. There is nothing more annoying than waking up at two in the morning to brush off your side of the bed. I love my midnight snacks and I definitely sleep better on a full stomach but the consequences are too high. Stay clear of the bed during snack time. Another remedy of course is to eat your snack on your wife's side of the bed. She usually comes upstairs long after me anyway and she's sure to blame the kids before her adoring husband.
Next is an easy one that Mom really should have included in her teachings. Never bring another man's wife to bed. It may seem like a really good idea at the time but there's no way three adults can sleep comfortably in one bed. Not to mention the chances of either of the women agreeing to sleep on the couch is somewhere between little and none. It's best to just leave the other women at the bar, casino, nursing home or wherever you picked her up and promise to call her next weekend.
If you've been out drinking all day then please use the bathroom before you go to bed. It may seem funny to your friends when you tell them how you were drunk and started having a dream about standing under a waterfall only to wake up in a man made puddle but your wife WILL NOT think this is amusing. Other consequences include dirty looks from all your wife's friends after they've heard the story.
One of the most important pieces of wisdom I wish my mom had shared with me is the following. Never go to bed in your next-door neighbor's bed while he's out in his backyard with his kids and mother in law. This rule especially applies to Fourth of July when you're having a barbeque and may have had one too many drinks. The world can be harsh but having your neighbor threaten to call the police and charge you with trespassing can be downright embarrassing.
Lastly, I'd like to offer this little gem. If you want your relationship to last, there is one thing you don't want to do when going to bed above all the others. For a life long loving relationship you should never, EVER go to bed thinking the decision as to whether or not you'll be making love to your wife is up to you. Even though she tells you she'd like you to be more spontaneous that doesn't apply to your love life. She'd like you to be more spontaneous about walking the dog and taking out the trash...not giving her a headache right before bed.

Artie Leary can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com