Voices in My Head: Hush Little Baby...Upon Further Review

Voices in My Head
Hush Little Baby...Upon Further Review

Last night my older daughter was having trouble falling asleep so I crawled into bed with her to provide some comfort. As she drifted off I was left there alone in my thoughts to listen to some of her lullabies. One song, "Hush Little Baby" got me thinking. I'd like to take you through the lyrics and propose a few questions and a couple comments and see if you agree that maybe we shouldn't be singing this song to our young ones any more.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.
Perfect. Just what we need around my house. One more body mocking daddy. Don't plan on me buying this for you sweetheart.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.
A diamond ring for a kid? I barely afforded the one for my wife! If the bird doesn't sing I would return it. As long as you keep the receipt we should be fine.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.
Ok, two problems with this line. If the ring turns brass then you must have bought it from some guy on the corner instead of a reputable establishment. (Again, see Artie's engagement fiasco for more information). Secondly, you know where a looking glass would end up if I bought one for my four year old? I don't need any more embarrassing visits to the emergency room.
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's going to buy you a Billy goat.
The guy that wrote this must have some sort of sick sense of humor. My kids won't even feed the dogs. Heck, I don't even feed the dogs! We will be getting no more pets!
And if that Billy goat won't pull,
Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull.
Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull? Did he say BULL? If a parent bought their toddler a bull I'm pretty sure DSS or some other child safety group would have something to say about it.
And if that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.
This is probably the only line of the song that is realistic. Buy the kid a dog to shut them up. Every parent has tried this one once...and failed.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.
f the dog doesn't bark don't get rid of it! This is the perfect dog. You wanna know how many times our dogs have barked and awakened our kids? This is the idea stupid, everyone be quiet so the kids can get to SLEEP! Besides, what does a four year old want with a horse and cart? This sounds a lot like child labor to me.
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
So in other words the song ends with the daddy telling the kid he's returning all the gifts he bought for her but she's still "sweet". Sorry pal, sweet doesn't pay the bills. In my house if you return one gift you sure as heck better come home with something else of equal or greater value.
I'm beginning to think the author of these lyrics may not even have kids. Can someone please have this guy checked out?

Artie Leary can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com