Voices in My Head: Commandments of Driving?

Voices in My Head
Commandments of Driving?
By Artie Leary

At first I thought someone had left some sort of tabloid newspaper in the men's room so I had to check the internet when I got back to my desk. Turns out its true! According to Yahoo news among others, the Vatican on Tuesday issued a "Ten Commandments" for motorists to keep them on the road to salvation, warning drivers against the sins of road rage, abuse of alcohol or even simple rudeness.
I don't know about you but I'm not sure the Pope is exactly an expert on how people should drive. He may be a great man and the closest contact we have to God - you may disagree and that's fine. What I don't understand is how someone who is driven around in a fishbowl with bullet-proof glass called the Pope Mobile can be an authority on how we sinners should drive.
The first commandment of driving is thou shalt not kill. No offense to anyone but I think we should check the copyright on this one. I'm pretty sure that's included in the original version of the commandments.
Another touch of omnipotent wisdom states that "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin". There go the drive-in movies. I'd also like to add that the Pope just called an entire baby boom illegitimate. It's a fact that the population of the United States exploded with the invention of the car.
My favorite is "Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness". I have a message for the guy in the blue pickup who cut me off on route 128 this morning...instead of forgiveness I'd like to liberate your legs from your body.
I think I'd like to barter with the Pope on this Motorist Commandments thing. I'll follow your rules for life in general but when it comes to my daily commute these are the rules we should follow...in order of importance.
1. An eye for an eye: if you cut me off, and if I have time before my exit, I will be cutting you off too.
2. Do unto others as you would have done to your mom. Basically cut me some slack at 6:30 am. I'm half awake and so are you. Can't we all just get along?
3. Speed kills but going too slow makes me want to kill you. If you can't at least go the speed limit on the highway then please STAY HOME.
4. Once your hair turns blue, a passenger becomes you. Know when to give it up grandma! Leave the driving to those of us who don't remember the Titanic.
5. If you have a car that is worth less than two thousand dollars but has five thousand dollars of accessories on it you shall be stripped of your license and made to take an economics course at the nearest high school.
6. Last one there is a rotten egg!
7. If you can't get the snow off your roof too then you deserve to be honked at. Why is it that some people insist on cleaning off the snow on the front and back windows leaving the rest to blow off in large chunks, land on my hood and make me soil my pants?
8. All hygiene must be done at home or your car and health care products will be confiscated. I actually saw a yuppie trimming the hair around his ears while driving a BMW last week. I tried to rear end him so he'd stab himself but my car stalled. Damn fifteen year old clutch!
9. The right of way goes to the person who arrives at the stop sign first. It does NOT depend on the size of your vehicle, the level of testosterone in your body or the fact that your I.Q. is lower than the number of qualified candidates currently running for President of the United States.
10. If you can buy it online, have it delivered or go without, then please do so and leave your car at home. I find the whole problem with traffic is the number of cars out there in the first place!
I think these are some rules we can adhere to as sinners. I wonder what commandments the Vatican will come up with next. Maybe ten commandments while playing in an online strip poker tournament?