Movies From the Black Lagoon: Stitches
Movies From the Black Lagoon
Stitches - 2012, Rated R
By Tom Doty
Weekly Contributing Writer
The land that brought us "Lucky Charms" and leprechauns finally weighs in on the killer clown genre and their luck holds with this effective slice and dice yarn.
We are introduced to Stitches the clown before he goes to work. Turns out this goofball is a bit of a ladies man. We get to see a side of him that would shock kids and learn he isn't exactly a charmer when it comes to Amour. That said he drives a wicked clown car.
Next up he heads to the 10th birthday celebration for Tommy, and his annoying friends. These overindulged kids get the clown they deserve as Stitches performs some lackluster tricks while the children pelt him with foreign objects while showing off their love of four letter words. Things come to a boil when they tie Stitches' huge shoes together.
All it takes is one well heaved soccer ball and our whey faced hero is knocked over backwards onto an open dishwasher. We learn some valuable lessons here.
1. Keep your dishwasher door closed.
2. Never put kitchen knives in the washer blade-side up.
3. Clowns bleed like stuck pigs when they are impaled on ill placed kitchen knives.
This incident ruins the party for Tommy. A few nights later he sneaks over to the crypt where Stitches is interred and observes a bizarre clown funeral rite that doesn't shed any light on how many Bozos can fit into a car but it sure is creepy.
Cut to 6 years later and the kids are all in high school and even more obnoxious, they are teenagers so this attempt at realism is as close as the movie gets. Tommy's next birthday is imminent but he doesn't want a party and has shunned such events since the Stitches episode. His friends convince him to throw his own party to break his depression but that proves to be an unwise decision.
Turns out this is just the sort of activity that will awaken Mr. Stitches in time to finish what he started at the last party. Unfortunately his tricks all prove deadly for the teen versions of the kids who tortured him. That said they are awfully inventive and include killer variations on his usual tricks like pulling rabbits out of painful places and shaping intestines into various animal figures.
It all leads to a shocking showdown that will leave nobody laughing, or very nearly living.
This may be the first killer clown movie form Ireland but it is easily the best. Stitches is a rude character to say the least and comes off as a Gaelic cousin of Bobcat Goldthwaite's Shakes the clown. He also embodies the vest traits of horror movie villains by indulging in plenty of creative deaths and mocking his victims with vicious out downs.
The film is also raunchy enough to appeal to fans of lowbrow comedies while employing enough gory special effects to please the horror hounds. The cast are spirited enough and the film avoids horror movies stereotyping by introducing a gay character and refusing to have the school toughs, or his own friends, ever mention the fact. All in all this is a whip smart and fats moving slasher festival that respects the audience and gives them a good show.
Best Lines: "A clown that doesn't finish a party can never rest in peace."
"You're easier to get into than Community College."
"Just for the record, not every party ends with a dead clown."
Tom Doty occasionally emerges from the Lagoon to check his e-mail. If you'd like to get a message to him, write to: firstname.lastname@example.org.