Daze of My Life: Out of Hand

Daze of My Life
Out of Hand
by Kenneth B. Lourie

Have you seen the new Charmin Ultra Mega roll? How could you miss it? Unless you thought you had wondered into the tire and battery superstore by mistake and found yourself looking at replacement tires, in white.
It's "four regular rolls in one," you know. Its size means you "change the roll less often." And for your added convenience, a "Charmin extender" is included in the packaging which "allows Mega rolls to fit most standard holders." That's good news because for a moment there I thought I might have to rip out a wall or two to accommodate the volume created by this plentiful and plush ply.
And the reason marketed for this enlargement is, according to yet another Charmin radio advertisement, fatigue, as in response to the announcer's question, "Are you tired of replacing the toilet paper rolls?" To which I have but one extremely sarcastic answer, "Yeah, exhausted." And here I thought the fatigue I was feeling was caused by any number of other, dare I say, more serious possibilities: stress, anxiety, middle age, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, concern for the health of my elderly parents, need for financial and retirement planning, why my 10-year old golden retriever, Bailey, all of a sudden is having to go out in the middle of the night, and last but certainly not least, coming up with ideas for this column. And low and behold, the reason for my fatigue is none of the above. The reason, thank God, is toilet paper-roll-size envy.
Apparently, size does matter, so far as getting a good night's sleep is concerned, and of course the size to which I refer is toilet paper roll size. Who would have thought that such a simple solution could exist for such a potentially serious and multi-tiered personal problem? Moreover, it turns out that my problem is not personal at all; it turns out that it's more of a public relations problem--specifically, the relationship between the public (Charmin) and my relations (private).
Unfortunately, I won't be able to solve my difficulty-sleeping problem and/or my toilet paper roll size inconvenience problem for a few weeks (approximately) yet, because my current toilet paper inventory is rather high. (Recently I had purchased two six-packs of double-size rolls which, if I understand toilet paper arithmetic, equates to 12 regular size rolls. So it seems that we have 24 regular rolls still to use before our demand overwhelms our supply.)
Then I'll be able to finally change the toilet paper roll less often. What a relief that will finally be! I only wish there were more than two bathrooms in our house, that way I could eliminate these fatigue-causing-changing-the-toilet-paper-roll problems in greater numbers. Because the greater numbers of problems I solve, presumably, the happier I'll become as a result and the more at ease I'll feel and the more relaxation I'll experience and ultimately the more peaceful and uninterrupted my sleep will be. If that isn't heaven on Earth, I don't know what is. And all because the manufacturer of Charmin, Proctor & Gamble, thought enough of me and my relations to mega-size their Charmin Ultra toilet paper roll. Is this a great country or what?

Lourie is a regionally syndicated columnist who resides in Burtonsville, MD.