Movies From the Black Lagoon: Mega Piranha
Movies From the Black Lagoon
Mega Piranha - 2010, Not Rated
By Tom Doty
Weekly Contributing Writer
'The Asylum" returns with another monster movie in which sea creatures grow to enormous size, due to unchecked scientific research. This time South America is in peril when a secret lab accidentally unleashes some piranha that can double in size every four hours. When the scientist who created the mutants is jailed it all comes down to a Navy Seal to rescue the penned Poindexters and help them stop the rampaging razor toothed enemy.
It all starts with a political shake up. The first attack by our mutating fish takes out a party boat that contains a bevy of beach babes and an American ambassador (I can believe the piranhas but who's going to believe an American politician getting caught with his pants down) engaged in a backdoor deal. The Secretary of state dispatches his best man, Fitch, to find out what happened.
Fitch teams up with a local general named Diaz and they race to the scene. They confirm that Piranha did the job. Diaz sets about putting a lid on it while Fitch enlists the aid of Dr. Sarah Monroe. She is a buxom middle-aged Jersey girl that rocks a frizzy doo and a blouse with rebellious top buttons, apparently this qualifies her to lead the team.
Diaz fails to kill the fish with machine guns though he does succeed in destroying a dam. Unfortunately that dam was keeping the menace pretend in the jungle but now they are free to wreak havoc in the city. They accomplish this with gusto and proceed to snack on the locals. Dr. Sarah comes up with a cunning plan to bomb the snot out of the river mouth where the Piranha will be stunned when they discover salt water. Too bad these guys love salt water and swim on leaving one very surprised that Fitch still considers Sarah his ace in the hole.
Finally they opt to nuke the persistent pests but when that fails they have to come up with a new plan. Send guys into the water with guns to shoot every other piranha (now the size of elephants) so they will eat each other. It makes for a hands-on finale that offers plenty of gore and no help from Sarah who, to be brutally honest here, wouldn't know guppies from puppies.
This is a replay of all the elements from " Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." You still get guys in warehouses pretending to be in submarines while sporting hair-don'ts that wouldn't get them past an "R.O.T.C." recruiter. The science talk is laughable but the actors have fun. Barry Williams (Greg Brady from the famous Bunch) has the best time as the Secretary of State with too much on his plate. Paul Logan is about half the size of Dolph Lundgren but equally adept at convincing you he can spank you with his eyebrows while emoting with a thick accent. Worst acting honors go to former teen idol 'Tiffany" as Dr. Monroe. She squeals most of her lines and recites the rest like a third grader expounding on the life cycle of an Oak Tree in an "Arbor Day" play.
It may not be Shakespeare but it is just as god as the B-Movies that escaped from Roger Corman back when the monsters were tired old guys in rubber suits rather than CGI fish.
"Florida is being attacked by giant fish."
"Oh no, oh no, they can live in the ocean."
"It wasn't terrorists. It was giant piranha."
Tom Doty occasionally emerges from the Lagoon to check his e-mail. If you'd like to get a message to him, write to: email@example.com.