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Movies From the Black Lagoon: Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead

Movies From the Black Lagoon
Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead- 2011, Unrated
By Tom Doty
Weekly Contributing Writer

The 70's never died- they just moved to Japan as evidenced by this energetic genre mish-mash that pits a bunch of young ladies, in swimsuits, against their zombi-fied faculty.
It all starts with a well-paced scene that finds a young lady swimming in the school pool. The camera work is very good as you slowly realize she isn't alone. Luckily she just winds up with a handful of drain hair (gross but not deadly). This wink at the audience gets broader as the film goes on and provides an actual menace.
The story starts with the swim team, at an all girls' school, getting ready for their first meet. They have plenty of obstacles such as a virus running rampant throughout the campus as well as a coach who is fine with using corporal punishment as an incentive to work harder. Into this atmosphere comes Aki. She is the new kid in school and rocks a nasty set of "Franken-Bangs" as well as an inability to make friends.
Her timing couldn't be worse as the school's staffs have succumbed to a chemical, which gives them strange tastes, and abilities. The negative here is that they begin to attack the student body though they now can juggle like circus clowns. Their ability to communicate is severely impeded as they can only speak in Pidgin English. Luckily the swim team is unaffected as the toxin becomes inert around chlorine. Swallow all of that and the rest of this is cake.
Meanwhile a swim team stalwart named Sayaka befriends Aki. The two bond over similar birthmarks and leap to the conclusion that they are sisters who were separated at birth and raised by foster parents. They celebrate by engaging in a tryst that earns this one the equivalent of a hard R rating. Together the reunited sisters assemble the swim team and go on the hunt for their evil educators. What follows are some gruesome set pieces as these two groups go at it with chainsaws, baseball bats, and slide rulers. The gore is plentiful and any sense of story goes out the window as we soon learn that this is all the elaborate plan of twin scientists who also happen to train female water assassins in their spare time.
You have to love a movie that exists only to entertain its audience. Even if that audience is out there too. I have to admit that I liked this flick as well as the two other movies it was packaged alongside. "Zombie Self Defense Force" and "Zombie Hunter Rika" are also senseless programmers that ladle on the gore and spoon out the logic but who cares. Even dirty fun is fun. Keep body wash and a beach towel nearby and it will be safe to watch these features and still respect yourself after a good wash.
Best Line: "I don't like the water. I've got bad memories of it."

Tom Doty occasionally emerges from the Lagoon to check his e-mail. If you'd like to get a message to him, write to:

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