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Voices in My Head: Spring water for Dogs

Voices in My Head
Spring water for Dogs

We've all heard of those lucky pets that are named heirs to their owner's fortunes. Sometimes they are willed a fortune because of spite toward the "human" end of the family, sometimes because there is nobody else to leave it to and sometimes it happens just because the owner is a little nuts and thinks it's the right thing to do. Nuts, this is where a company from New Britain, Connecticut comes into play. The company called Avery's Beverages has begun bottling and selling "Woof Water". This ingenious invention is bottled water for dogs. You have not read this incorrectly - bottled water for DOGS.
I hope my dog doesn't catch wind of this new invention. He usually drinks out of puddles in the back yard. I've even seen him take a quick sip from the toilet when his own bowl is dry. Woof Water is probably just for the snobby, rich dogs. It's kind of like caviar and champagne for humans. Most of us have never tried caviar and only have champagne on New Years Eve when some other drunken slob dumps it on us. I think with the advent of Woof Water we may actually begin to see social classes for dogs.
I've heard of Doggy Daycare where couples that both work full time feel bad for the pet being home alone. Therefore, they drop it off somewhere that it can play with other animals. Woof Water however is not served at Doggy Daycare. Woof Water is only going to be served at the finer canine establishments. For example, I recently heard they're building a Canine Country Club for Dogs Only. They're sure to serve Woof Water there.
This is what I've heard so far about the Canine Country Club where Woof Water is served. All the male dogs will go out into the vast, green rolling hills and mark their territory while the female dogs stay back at the clubhouse, drink Woof Water and complain about their male counterparts. At the end of the day when the male dogs are exhausted and dehydrated from leaving their scent all over the place they'll head back to the clubhouse, smoke a few doggie cigars with the guys, pick up their female counterparts and head outside to be picked up by their human owners.
The waiters and waitresses at the Canine Country Club are all just puppies working their way through Canine College. They all aspire to one day have an owner who can afford to buy them a membership at the Canine Country Club.
Sometimes after work, when all the dogs from wealthy families have left for they day, all the worker dogs will get together and drink some stolen Woof Water like they see the older dogs do. They drink the adult dog water, get all silly and sometimes do stupid things because they've had too much Woof Water. I heard one time this bulldog had way too much Woof Water and started to make moves on a sweet little poodle. Now we all know society has drawn some unfortunate lines with regards to what relationships are socially accepted in human circles, but I didn't know discrimination is an issue with dogs too. Apparently the bulldog was fired from and the Poodle won a huge "Puppy Harassment" lawsuit against the Club. Rumor has it the bulldog never went back to Canine College after that and works part time retrieving sticks for a guy that lives in a trailer somewhere.
I hope the makers of Woof Water understand the enormous burden they have brought upon themselves and put the appropriate label on the bottle so that dogs will drink responsibly.

Artie Leary can be reached at

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