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Article Archive >> Community

Voices in My Head: What comes around goes around

Voices in My Head
What comes around goes around

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Therefore I will wait. I will wait until my daughters are older, married and feeling fairly independent. That is when my payback begins. I love my daughters and they love me. Every man has his breaking point however.
This is how my attack will begin. I don't plan on living in a nursing home when I become a burden to my family. What fun is being a burden if you're not actually a burden? I plan on giving both my daughters a taste of their own medicine.
What's that I smell in your diaper honey? The same thing you'll smell in my diaper when I'm old, feeble and living in your basement my dear daughter. Daddy can't go out with his friends because you're not able to stay home by yourself? Same story here my love. I can feel the forgetfulness coming on now. If you leave me alone when I come live at your house, you can expect to come home to the fire department and police department in your front yard...EVERY TIME.
It's a fact that Irish people never forget a grudge. Remember the time you came downstairs totally naked while Mommy and I were watching a movie with the neighbors? I think you said your clothes were itchy. Well two can play at that game. How will it feel when your eighty-year-old father enters the living room wearing nothing but a vengeful grin? Pretty liberating I would assume. And I can't wait.
This is just the beginning my lovely little offspring. I am keeping a list of all the naughty, annoying little things you do now and when the time is right and the planning is complete, you too will feel the wrath or an annoying dependent.
My two kids are still young. One is four and the other just one year old. I can only imagine what kind of terror they're going to put me through as they get older. I try to keep them off balance as best I can. You would think that a grown man and woman would have the upper hand on two girls so young. That's hardly the case. They have a masterful plan and it seems to be working. First they start with the sleepless nights. One keeps us up all night while the other rests for the "day shift" of terrorism.
Once daytime comes there is the feeding ritual that always ends with more food on the floor than the table. As we try and clean it up another mess ensues in the living room. This is how they separate us. Once divided the parents are much easier to conquer. At this point the only true advantage my wife and I have is height. We put everything they can use against us up high where they can't reach it.
I truly believe that my daughters will be something special when they grow up. Maybe dictators, military conquerors, master thieves, or even leaders of a small country. But for that to happen they'll first have to find a way to deal with their dear old dad who can't wait for the day to strike back and give them a taste of their own medicine. I plan on dying with a smile on my face. A smile built on revenge.

Artie Leary can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com


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