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Voices In My Head: The Battle Against Global Warming

Voices In My Head
The Battle Against Global Warming

Today the Bush Administration revealed their far-reaching declaration of war against Global Warming. At first they were simply going to send fifteen thousand troops to conquer the sun. President Bush was quoted as saying "In my family we kill trees at the root". Nobody really knows what he meant by that but the President looked confident and the plan was set in motion.
Luckily a NASA official convinced them it was not a good idea. According to documents President Bush didn't believe the NASA official (who chose not to reveal his name for fear of being ridiculed by his fantasy football buddies) that the troops would burn up as soon as they approached the sun. So, in order to convince the leader of the free world to keep our young men and women away from the fireball in the sky, he used reverse psychology. The NASA official told Mr. Bush that sending all those military personnel to the sun would cause the moon to be jealous which in turn could affect the tides. Since the president was planning yet another vacation to the beach next month he decided he didn't want to risk ticking off the moon so they went to plan B.
In an attempt to limit the effects of global warming the White House has issued a statement that all of the following "Heat Generators" are to be abandoned.
1. No more campfires - this is a needless amount of heat. You're just going to need to find someplace else to tell ghost stories.
2. Summer has been cancelled until further notice. According to the White House there are far more hot days in the summer than in the winter.
3. Tabasco or "Hot Sauce" will no longer be sold anywhere in the United States. Just our way of saying "we care about the environment".
4. The following celebrities have been ordered to stay inside their houses until this "Global Warming Thing" is over because they have made the White House Hot List.
a. George Clooney
b. Julia Roberts
c. Cameron Diaz
d. Brad Pitt
e. Matt Damon
f. Mrs. Barbara Bush
I have a sneaky suspicion that the president might have slipped that last one in there. Rumor has it his mommy was mad at him for leaving his dirty dishes in the living room so this is a make-up call. Apparently he tried to make her birthday a national holiday after the slip up but only half of congress went for it.
5. The hours of noon to 2 pm have been eliminated for the time being. As we all know, these are the hottest hours of the day. By eliminating them the White House believes we can make the Earth "much cooler". Studies have been inconclusive but hope still remains. The White House is working on a solution to the question of when lunch will now be eaten. Half the Senate wanted 11:30am and half wanted 2:30pm.
6. Mexico and Jamaica will be closed until further notice because according to one White House official; "Them's is hot places".
Overall you have to give the Bush Administration credit. Just two years ago they didn't even think global warming was real. Today they're stepping up to the plate and taking a swing at conquering the terrible affects we've had on our environment. Of course they're going to strike out and look foolish in the process but at least they're trying.
The timeline for the defeat of Global Warming was actually put together by the same men and women who constructed the timeline for the war in Iraq. Much like the timeline for the war in Iraq the last page says "To Be Continued" but the next page is missing so we really don't know when it will end. Let's hope it's soon.

Artie Leary can be reached at

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