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Article Archive >> Community

Voices In My Head: Benefit of Dying

Voices In My Head
Benefit of Dying

Nobody knows for sure what it's like to die. Sure, my nut-job grandmother supposedly had a couple near death occurrences and even reported that the "light" we're supposed to walk towards is now fluorescent. (I guess God is even going green these days). But for the majority of us who have never temporarily died or had an out-of-body experience, death can be a frightening notion. I think I can help.
Have you ever noticed in the movies that whenever someone makes a request on their deathbed that the person listening to the request feels obligated to fulfill it? And have you ever seen those movies where someone will be awarded millions of dollars if they succeed in carrying out some sort of action that a recently deceased person has outlined in their last will and testament? This is how we can ease our minds just a little bit.
Since it appears that the living are bound to follow any orders or fulfill any requests made by the dead or dying, I decided to write up my last will and testament this weekend. Aside from leaving all my worldly possessions to my loving wife and wonderful daughters I have made the following requests that now must be followed because I am dead.
The following are actual requests as written in my will:
I would like my mother to admit that she loves my sister more and to refer to me only as "The Anointed One" when attending family cookouts. (I'm not sure what the Anointed One really means but it makes me sound special).
I would like my sister to come clean and admit she was the one who drove mom's car around the house the day I turned twenty one and could legally drink alcohol. (It was really me but my sister feels guilty more than most people so I figure I can at least wash that unfortunate night off my record).
* I would like the President to declare May 22 (my birthday) a national holiday.
* I would like a building named after me.
* I would like a street named after me.
* I would like a town named after me.
* I would like a country named after me.
* I would like a planet named after me.
* I WOULD NOT like people to name their dogs after me (again).
One of my last wishes is for Rachael Landry to finally admit that it was ME who dumped HER right before our senior prom and not the other way around. And additionally that it was my choice to stay home and watch scary movies with my Nana that night while all our friends got drunk and rented hotel rooms on Cape Cod.
See, now that I have these wishes in my will and I know that the people I leave behind have no choice but to honor them, dying doesn't seem so bad. In fact, I'm almost looking forward to it. I used to be afraid to die. I feared what would happen to me and how my loved ones would carry on. Using my last will and testament to manipulate people after I pass allows me to concentrate on the here and now.
My lawyer says I can update my will at any time. This means that if anyone does anything to even mildly annoy me between now and when I die at a ripe old age of one hundred and ten (this is only an estimate) then I will have no choice but to add something to my will that causes the offender to regret crossing me. Dying can be fun.
One last thing. I have read books and articles on how to "die rich". This doesn't make sense to me. I plan on dying with massive amounts of debt which will all be paid off with my life insurance. Some people just don't get it.
Feel free to email any suggestions you would like me to add to my last will and testament. I can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com.

Artie Leary can be reached at artieleary@gmail.com



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